Finish all your seed beads, then you can have dessert.

You know how when you buy cheap seed beads at Hobby Lobby they come in the clear plastic tube with the twist-off cap? 

You know how there’s usually a paper label that covers the cap and part of the tube which can sometimes make it difficult for (arthritic) hands to unscrew the cap?

You know how you sometimes use your teeth as tools even though you know you’re not supposed to but it just takes too much dang effort to get up and go get the right tool you need?

So last night I was taking seed beads out of their plastic tubes and putting them in little zip bags to consolidate them and make them easier to display for my upcoming garage sale. I had been unscrewing all the caps with my teeth because my poor little hands are angry with me about the work I’ve made them do over the past couple of months.

Everything was going fine until I came across one particularly stubborn cap that wouldn’t unscrew. I tightened my grip on the tube then bit down harder in an effort to get the dang thing open. When I twisted the tube it broke and because I was holding it so tight, it squeezed a whole bunch of seed beads straight into my mouth.

I mean a WHOLE BUNCH. Like probably a tablespoon, and that’s a lot of seed beads.

I just sat there with a mouth full beads, laughing, wondering what to do about it, and hoping I didn’t choke on them or end up snorting them outta my nose.

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That’s a common problem for me because about 20 years ago I had a uvulopalatoplasty which removes your soft palate and uvula from the back of your throat. I had this done to eliminate sleep apnea because I snored like a gentle purring kitten. Or a freight train, depending on your proximity to my sleeping self.

A few months after the surgery I was eating a chocolate covered cherry (as I am known to frequently do during the holidays) and I bent over to get a pan out of a lower kitchen cabinet just as I swallowed my delicious cordial.

Instead of going down my throat like it was supposed to, it went up because I don’t have that little mud flap (uvula) in the back of my throat. When I stood up, I thought my nose was running which is common with my chronic sinus and allergy problems. I wiped my nose with a tissue and saw that it was chocolate.

That’s right. I had chocolate snot coming outta my nose. It was disgusting and fascinating.

Where was I going with that story? Oh. The beads. Right. Swallowing them was a not desirable thing to do but blowing them outta my nose was even less desirable.

I made my way to the bathroom, struggling not to gag on seed beads, then delicately spit the beads into a tissue. And then another tissue. And another. And 10 minutes after I thought I was done, I had to get yet another tissue. Gross, right?

When Jayson got home I was telling him about all the seed beads I had for lunch and I kid you not, another one magically appeared in my mouth. I guess it was hiding between teeth or something.

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I have an appointment with my dentist today to get my pearly off-whites cleaned and polished and I’m a little nervous that the hygienist will find another hidden bead and think that I’m one of those freaky people who eats weird stuff. I’m totally not. In fact, I’m one of those freaky people who flosses every day.

And occasionally stores seed beads in her cheeks like a crafty chipmunk.  

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