I Fought The Palm And The…Palm Won

I finished the last of the yard work today and I’m too exhausted to write a narrative so I’ll just give you my stream of consciousness. These are the thoughts I thunk while I worked:

Great, it’s early and it’s already hot. 

Where are all these wasps coming from?

Oh yeah. Now I remember. On moving day some home security salesman guy came to the door which irritated the snot out of me since clearly we were JUST MOVING IN and a little preoccupied. He made a comment about how the wasps almost got him and there was a nest under the porch overhang. I made mental note to find out what wasps like to eat then give them a treat for at least trying to scare off a salesman.

Then I forgot about them.

Oh well, I’ll just spray their nest so they’ll go away.

I sure hope I don’t kill these sago palms by trimming them too much but their pokey fronds are painful for people trying to get to the front door. People like home security salesmen. Okay, I’ll leave a couple of pokey fronds.

If they die, I’ll swear they looked diseased when we moved in. 


Why are these things so thorny?! I had no idea this was going to be painful.

I always wanted one of these plants but now I’m glad I didn’t let my mother steal the ones from a neighbor’s yard in Lafayette like she wanted to. They were being neglected, she was just concerned for the welfare of the plant. 


Note to self: buy leather gardening gloves.

Clearly these are Satan’s favorite tropical ornamental.

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It’s so quiet around here, I guess everyone works during the day. 

I wonder why no one in this neighborhood mows their own yard? Okay we don’t mow our own yard anymore but we could. Theoretically. Seems like everyone has a yard service. Maybe I’m committing some kind of Property Owner’s Association violation by working in my own yard.


Oh. There’s a person walking down the street. There’s life here!

Ah, looks like a toddler and her nanny.

She didn’t even glance my way. I bet she assumed I’m the gardener.


I think the wasps are confused about what happened to their home so they’re holding little community meetings in the bushes to try to figure it out.

I’d better get some water out of the garage fridge. 

OMG is that a foil wrapped chocolate egg on the garage floor???!!!

Oh. It’s just the gold center from one of the fake magnolias on the cheesy 80s garland I put out here for the garage sale.

Well that’s disappointing.

Actually it’s a good thing that wasn’t a chocolate egg cuz I would have eaten it…knowing full well that I haven’t bought those kinds of chocolates in years.

Thank God the palms are done. One more pokey frond and I’d be in danger of bleeding to death. Now, on to the more pleasant bushes.

Oh. A holly bush. Perfect.

This was a topiary at one time. I think it needs to be a topiary again.

Okay I think I skipped topiary and went straight to bonsai. Oh well. 

More wasps. I’ll just whack the bushes with a rake to scare them off.

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Ligustrums. I hate ligustrum. They’re such a boring bush. I miss our camellia and azalea bushes we had in Lafayette. At least they had the decency to bloom every year which I took as a sign of gratitude for trimming them.

Despite what Jayson says, I do NOT trim the bushes with nail clippers. But maybe I should, these little pruners are crap.

Note to self: buy decent handheld pruners.

P.S. to self: throw away the 4 pairs of indecent pruners that you already have. 

I wonder what kind of bushes these are. Their current haircut just isn’t working for me. I don’t like a uniform hedge. They’re going to have to endure a growing out phase until I can decide what kind of style will be most flattering for them.

I should probably get more water.

The trash guys are going to hate me.

Ouch. Oh great. More fire ants. Why do I always step in them with my left foot?

Why do I always step in them?

That’s it. I’m bagging up the trimmings then spraying for critters. It worked great in the backyard. But I should probably using something stronger than Sevin up here since there’s a lot of wasps and I don’t think Sevin works well on them.

I wonder if this Ortho Bug-B-Gon kills wasps? There’s a picture of a wasp on the bottle so that means yes. I wonder if it’s safe for sago palms? There’s a picture of a plant on the bottle so that means yes. I’ll use this one.

Oh good, it looks just like the Sevin bottle so I already know how it works. Just attach it to the hose, turn on the water, open the valve on the bottle then spray everything within reach.

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Why is there water coming out of the connection? Did I not screw it on tight enou…..

I don’t think the bottle was supposed to separate from the hose connector and go flying across the yard like that.

Oh, it didn’t break, it just separated. I see…it snaps back together. Maybe that’s some kind of safety feature or something.  I’ll turn the water down some and try again.

I smell pesticide, that’s probably not good.

Well crap! It came apart again! This is going in the trash, I’ll just use the Sevin.

Am I wearing anything see-through? Good, I need to be hosed down.

Good ol’ Sevin. It didn’t have a picture of a wasp on the bottle but I know it’ll kill the fire ants so that’s good. Maybe I should actually read the bottle.

Am I getting sunburned? Oh great. Just what I need. More instant age spots. With any luck I’ll grow a giant skin tag to cover them up.

I need a cold shower.

Oh my gosh my arms and legs are completely chewed up.

I wonder if Neosporin comes in a body lotion?

At least I didn’t get poison ivy from working in my own yard. That’s a first.

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